Top 5 reasons why the Preacher’s Daughters might get arrested

1.  Public intoxication

Actually this one probably happened on a regular basis a few years ago.  However, my sister rarely drinks anymore, and I only drink when I’m out with Teacher.  So we’ll reserve this one for holidays such as Halloween, St. Patty’s Day, and New Years Eve.

Sunday night (Cinco de Mayo) when I was with Teacher I did drink several beers by the fire.  He told me later that he could tell I was getting a little drunk.  I asked how he could tell and he said I “get cuter.”  Hehe. 

2.  Driving while under the influence

As you all know I already had my little run in with the law over this one and I do not want a repeat of that.  Twenty-two hours with Big Bertha in a freezing cold, overly bright jail cell was plenty for me.

3.  Driving like a drunk granny

Last night as Fallen Angel, Little Bubba, and I were coming back from dinner we got pulled over.  She and I both said, “What’d we do?!”  She wasn’t speeding.  Her tag isn’t expired.  We had no idea.  To make things worse, Little Bubba was in the back seat and he said, “Mommy I’m scared.”  (Unfortunately he had acted up all night & I jokingly told him that if he didn’t behave I’d call the cops.  Bad idea.)  I had to reassure him several times after that the cop/sheriff’s deputy was the “good guy.”

Evidently, per the sheriff’s deputy, she was “driving 10 mph under the speed limit and weaving.”  Her truck has rattled lately and it sounds like a raccoon is under the hood, so she’s been trying to take it easy and not drive too fast.  She told the deputy that was why she was going so slow.  He said that was ok, but she was also weaving and he just wanted to make sure she was alright.  He also said “it’s your lane and if you want to use it all then that’s fine.”  (The funny thing is that I tell her all the time that she weaves too much, but she never believes me.  Finally I have proof!  LOL)

He let us go on our merry way after that.

4.  Failure to pay outstanding traffic tickets

This one seems to plague me and Fallen Angel.  She got a ticket last year for having an expired inspection sticker, and to my knowledge she never took care of it.  Of course I still have a couple of tickets that I’ve got to pay from when I was living in the Big Easy.  That was another reason we both sort of panicked when she got pulled over last night.

5.  Cavorting with 17-year-old boys

This one goes back to last year when I was talking to a guy from OKCupid.com.  His profile said he was 18, but he turned out to be only 17.  Once I found out, I quickly put a stop to any and all sexy talk and receiving of pictures from him.  The threat of jail time was enough to scare me straight, and it prompted me to change my search to only guys 24 years old and up.

That wasn’t my first encounter with a 17-year-old though.  Back when I was 22 I had a one-niter with my cousin’s co-worker.  I didn’t know the guy was only 17 until after the dirty deed was done.  I also didn’t know he was a virgin until it was too late.  We live and learn, as the old saying goes.

So there’s my list of the top 5 reasons why the Preacher’s Daughters might get arrested.  Thankfully I’ve only been arrested once, and my sister has yet to make that dreaded call to the Preacher from a jail cell at 2:00 am.  Hopefully she never will, because if she does…I’m not bailing her ass out of jail.  Not after the way she’s been treating me lately.  By the way, she’s still being a bitch from hell.

Our mother and aunt are set to arrive tomorrow.  It’s going to be a little Mother’s Day visit.  The only thing I’m looking forward to is taking them all out to dinner Saturday night.  No, I’m not looking forward to paying, but I am looking forward to having them meet Teacher and hear him perform.  His duo is playing that night at the restaurant we’re going to.  Hehe.  See, I’m still capable of being a sneaky bitch myself.  Fallen Angel hasn’t completely captured that title.

Happy humping & drive safe!

Manwhore’s whores: Not me!

This has been an insane week.  I almost started to think it was Pop-Up Men time again, but it seems to have stopped at two.  (I didn’t count Harry because he showed back up last week.)  It started out with, are you ready for this?  Manwhore.  Yes, the very same Manwhore who got married to the Chicago Gold-Digger less than two months ago.  At first I thought it was going to just be a text asking me to do some website work for him or something, but I was wrong.  I was very wrong.

Manwhore sent me a few texts and then told me that he would be back down here in about a week.  He asked if I wanted to come see him while he’s back in town.  I was in shock.  Has he really started cheating on her this soon after getting married?  And if so, then why?  Instead of wondering, I asked him.  He said that he hasn’t cheated on her.  This confused me even more.  Why would he take that step into adultery with me of all people?  His answer?

“I’ve just always at some point seen you and we ended up fucking.“

How’s that for disturbing?  After all this time, and all my progress in trying to move on and get past that chapter in my life, he still thinks he can just pop up and I’ll come running to fuck him.  Well, surprise, surprise…I’m not that weak “girl-in-love” anymore.  I answered:

“It’s taken me a long time to get over you.  I think it would be counter productive for me to come and fuck you now.”

I know it’s probably not the anger-filled reply that you might have expected, but I was trying to take the high road and be as polite as possible about it.  There’s no need for me to stoop to his level anymore.  I have overcome!  This is real progress folks!

The next man to pop back up was my second ex-husband, The Ox.  I know I haven’t told you much about him, and I plan to rectify that very soon, but here’s what happened this week.  I was at work Wednesday and got a text from The Ox.  That isn’t unusual.  We still text each other occasionally, and I still consider him a friend.   However, this text was different.

“Would you wanna get back together?”

Keep in mind that The Ox and I have been divorced for almost five years now.  We were only together a total of four years.  Even though I loved him, I have to admit that it was a doomed relationship.  When I got that text from him, I didn’t know if he was joking with me or being serious.  He has a tendency to be very sarcastic and never very serious about anything.  So I asked him if he was being serious.  He said that this time he was.  I told him that I didn’t think it was a good idea, and that some things are best left alone.  Again, I tried to be as nice as possible with my rejection text.

Why?! Why would anyone want this?!

Maybe the universe is just playing some sick joke on me.  It can’t be normal for men to keep going back to a woman from their past like this.  Is it?  I sometimes wonder if I radiate some kind of vibes, or pheromones, or something, and I don’t realize it.  There has to be an explanation for it.  Maybe it’s just the power of the pussy that keeps them coming back for more.  That sounds conceited, I know, but don’t forget…I’m the Cock Master. 

Happy humping!

Cougar Tales: Enter the Master

A couple of weeks ago I befriended a young man, Thord, on FetLife.  He had sent me a nice message and we had started talking.  He’s a 24-year-old  student at a nearby university.  I’m still not sure why he was on FetLife.  He doesn’t really seem to have any overt fetishes.  However, he is sort of a quiet straight-laced geeky type, so I can see how he may not be wiling to divulge his fetishes right away.  Physically, he is a good-looking muscular guy who, for some reason, reminds me of Alexander Skarsgård (Eric on True Blood).  He’s no Endymion, but he ain’t bad.

We met Friday night for a drink at a nearby restaurant.  When I was on my way to the restaurant he sent me a text asking if I was nervous.  I told him that I was a little nervous and asked if he was also.  He said he was.  I contemplated replying with something like, “I don’t bite” or “Don’t worry…I’m harmless.”  Instead I chose to avoid lying to him and instead didn’t reply at all.

Once we were seated and started talking he seemed a lot more nervous than I was.  It probably helped my nerves that I was sipping on a gin & tonic, while he stuck with Sprite.  He doesn’t drink.  I find that kind of odd for a college boy, but I also find it refreshing.  I’m so sick of dating alcoholics.

I hate to admit it, but being 38 years old and sitting there with a 24-year-old hottie made me feel like the mac mama.  It wasn’t planned.  It’s not why I went to meet him, but damn if it wasn’t a nice feeling.  (Yeah, I know that any good therapist would probably say that

Disappointment

I had this big plan for this weekend.  Since I now have a car, I was going to take a trip down to New Orleans to visit a friend.  We planned it all out last weekend.  I was supposed to go down tomorrow, hang out, and spend the night with him.  I was all excited about seeing him and about getting out of town, and I let my excitement get the better of me.

Even though I can be incredibly selfish and narcissistic at times, deep down I am a very giving and caring person.  I had it all planned out to take him a gift.  Since he’s a musician, and I just happen to work in a music store, I thought it would be awesome if I made up a guitar care package for him as a surprise.  He’s a great musician and I adore him, and I just happened to notice once that he didn’t have a case for his guitar, so that’s what started the ball rolling in my head.  He could probably really use all of this stuff and would appreciate it.  He’s also a great guy who deserves to get a treat like this.  Not to mention that I had high hopes of seeing a big smile on his face when he opened it.

I gathered up a case, strings, pics, tuner, strap (a KISS one because even though it is a bit garish, it’s his favorite band), a wall hanger for his guitar, and some other random stuff.  I had to text him to ask what kind of strings he liked, and I tried not to sound too suspicious with my asking.  I wrapped it all nice and pretty in the music wrapping paper that we have at the store and put it in the trunk of my car.  It was all ready to go, and so was I.

Today I sent him a text just to say that I was really excited about seeing him, and that I had a surprise for him.  His response was not one of excitement, but more along the lines of ‘oh, you shouldn’t have.’  Then tonight I get a text from him saying that he’s had a family emergency and will be out of town tomorrow.  Now, I don’t know whether to believe him or not.  I don’t know if I’m being overly paranoid, or if fate just doesn’t want us to ever see each other again.  After all, this is the third or fourth time that our plans to hang out have fallen through.

Of course I don’t want to ask him if that’s really the truth, or if my mentioning that I have a surprise for him may have scared him off, or maybe he just met someone else that he would rather spend his time with.  I opted not to ask him anything.  I just said “OK, maybe some other time.”

The worst part is how crushed I felt.  Not because I had the gift that I really wanted to give him, but because I won’t get to see him.  I was really looking forward to that.  It’s been so long since I’ve seen him.  Now I feel like I may have screwed it all up.

Then more thoughts run through my head about how he probably is just a flake and I shouldn’t waste my time on him.  What if I’m wrong though?  What if he is telling me the truth?  What if I’m just letting my insecurities take over?  It all just sucks.

I sent him one last text asking when he would be back.  I haven’t received a reply.  I’m guessing that’s not a good sign.  I could be wrong though.  I usually am about most things.

Bad Harry! Bad, bad Harry!

Before my heart stops racing and before I go on a binge breaking things…

This morning I was to meet Harry for breakfast at the local Huddle House.  We met.  Now I’m at work and ready to spit nails into someone’s tires.

When I got there he was already sitting in the booth.  I sat down, we ordered, and he just stared at me and smiled.  I told him about our tenants moving out, and about the possible buyer on the house.  When I mentioned that I just hate not knowing how long I’ll be here and what is going on, he had kind of a weird guilty look on his face.  I knew something was up.

Then he said, “There’s something that I wanted to talk to you about.  I should have told you last week, but I couldn’t.”  Great.  What now?  Then he went on to tell me that his friends had talked him into giving it another shot with his wife, and he had moved, as in really moved, back in with his wife, but he really likes me and wants to keep seeing me.  WHAT THE HELL?

This is EXACTLY what I told him I didn’t want to happen.  I told him in the beginning that I didn’t want to start seeing him and then have him turn around and decide he was going back with his wife or ex-girlfriend.

I feel like an idiot.  I saw the red flags, and I chose to ignore them.

Any way, I told him that I refused to be the “other woman.”  If he wanted to try to work things out with his wife, then he should do so and give it his all…with no girlfriends on the side.  I even told him that I hoped things worked out for them.

All he could say was that he was sorry.

Sorry my ass.  I didn’t even eat my breakfast.  My appetite was gone.  I brought it back for my sister to eat instead.  From my pain, comes her gain.

I’m trying to remain calm about all this, because I didn’t even really have anything vested into the relationship yet, but it still pisses me off.  Deep breaths and happy thoughts….

On the bright side, now I have something to write about.  And…I no longer have evil thoughts about how I should stick around here.  I still owe you an explanation on why I probably shouldn’t move back to New Orleans, but I’ll post that in a separate post, soon.  (Just so you know, I would really, really like to move back to NOLA.)

Happy humping.